Dear Automatic Rejectionator 3000,
I would like to thank you for your interest in sending me an ostentatiously worded form letter. The Court’s Appellate Court Selection Committee, in addition to displaying redundant wording, is also remarkably efficient in its rejection. I share your feeling that it is unfortunate that I can not meet with the committee.
Seeing as this is obviously a form letter, I think it unwise for you to praise my qualifications and academic achievements. Perhaps some of the applicants are chronic underachievers, or applied for this position as a joke, or are recently released serial rapists, so categorically complimenting everyone who seeks this position is certainly in poor judgment. Ho ho! Judgment! Because this is for a COURT position, you see what I did there? No, of course you don’t, because you are a lawyer cyborg rejection letter generator who is incapable of such human concepts like humor.
On behalf of just me, I thank you for your response, and wish you luck keeping all your circuitry polished and your software updated.
New Year’s Rejections
Instead of New Year’s Resolutions, how about you make New Year’s Rejections? You were such a pathetic, unemployed loser in 2011 that I bet you have a few in you. Send me screen shots of your rejection emails or rejection letters. Any rejection will do, you reject, you!
I’m glad that we’re on such uber casual terms with each other. Do you have any nicknames you would like me to refer to you as, or any colloquialisms you’d like me to drop into conversation?
How exciting that the position has been filled!!!! Thanks for highlighting your excitement at not hiring me with totally unnecessary punctuation! If YOU like, and want to be proactive, you can stop using such insulting punctuation, or hell, even give me the damn position! Follow me on twitter as I do use correct grammar and punctuation on there which would give you a chance to learn some proper English!
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to see so many different typefaces in one email. It’s not often that a potential employer so blatantly displays the lack of shit they’re giving. While you could have been a great person to work for I am, however, sorry, to advise you that, you, will have to stop writing, such, stupid, sentence, fragments with such abhorrent grammar, for me, to want, however, to work for you.
I’m not sure how one keeps a resume “of” file, but if you can figure that out than you probably don’t need my help with this job anyway.
Me (though since you failed to even include a salutation, I can’t be sure you addressed this to me in the first place)
Don’t sweat the late reply. I’m sure that you’re an incredibly busy and high-falutin’ person. Keeping up with something as basic and convenient as messages that you can check and reply to anytime, on a computer, with little to no effort, can be a challenge! Email is hard, I get it.
You know what else is hard? Posting an open position on an online job board. Here’s a good rule of thumb: only post a position if you’re ACTUALLY hiring. That way, you won’t have to write all these nice email responses to the hoards of applicants who will surely ravage your job posting in these troubled economic times. You can pass that little nugget onto your hiring manager when you give her my information.
Thanks again, dumb-ass!
Thanks so much for your great form email that you sent to me a week after you said you’d contact me. I enjoyed receiving it right now. I did have a great talk with your coworker about future opportunities at your company. However, there is a reason why no one says, “there’s no time like the future.” And if the future does in fact hold an internship with you, I would like to go back to the future, please.
Also, thanks a whole super lot for offering me a position at a company located in a completely different state than my college, DURING the semester. That should come in handy when I get a Time Turner, or perhaps a DeLorean, as I previously suggested.
Hi HR Person,
Interestingly enough, I had a discussion with my Style Director today too! (I really think everyone should have one). We have so much in common, no wonder you’re interested in hiring me! You say that you’re taking one intern for summer and one for the fall, but you failed to specify if one of those interns would be me. Is this one of those questions like “I have two coins that add up to 26 cents and one of them is not a quarter,” and the answer is that the OTHER one IS a quarter?
Thank you for noting my interest in your magazine. In fact, I’m so interested, that I think I’ll just go ahead and come in for my first day tomorrow. Why wait?
I look forward to unnecessarily capitalizing many seasons with you!
Dear Ms. Lady,
Consider your multiple apologies accepted! You can save one of those apologies for insulting my intelligence, and considering me to be the kind of worthless dumbfuck who doesn’t realize that if it takes a company over 2 months to respond to them, they’re probably not getting the job.
Thanks for devoting the same amount of time and care to reviewing my resume that you did to spell checking this email. I just have a question about the holding of my resume: Is it just you who holds my resume? Does the CEO ever hold it? Do all of you at the company continuously hold onto at one time, like a Portkey, or do you share the responsibility of looking after it, like the kindergarten class gerbil? Do you hold it all the time? Like, even in the shower? Is it possible for you to occasionally sing “Hold Me Now” to my resume? I just want to be sure it’s in good hands while I wait for a position to comeavailable.
And thank you so much for offering to be of further assistance to me! I won’t hesitate in asking you if you would like to lend me some money to pay off my copious student loans. Cash preferred.